[ATLANTA - Friday - 13:30]
I've had a really bad week ...
My mood & state of being have been plummeting since last Saturday.
Saturday was brilliant: I quit my job & felt very invigorated/liberated then went out & shagged a Marine ... for hours ... I needed that!
On Sunday, I forced myself to finish cleaning David's house (which I'd started on the previous Wednesday but he was out of town so no rush).
This week ... Monday through Friday ... I've nothing to tell.
I've been looking for a job but mostly online.
I have felt rather shite all week and have been missing my life back in London more so than usual. No, it wasn't perfect and there are no rose-coloured glasses here but even my bad days there were more tolerable. Why? Because I was in London ... on the edge of making my dreams come true and keeping hope alive came very easy for me there.
And now I'm back in Atlanta ... poor ... miserable ... hating the weather, the bugs, the lack of public transportation ... living in someone's garage (which I'm increasingly feeling guilty about) ... unemployed again ... unmotivated ... feeling overwhelmingly lonely and unhappy.
Who wouldn't be depressed !?!
It's as if I've been plucked out of my life and drop-kicked into the past ... though everyone has already left this party. There's nothing here for me and the friends of yore have disappeared. My 'old friends' are either gone, too busy to see me or just don't care and I've been disappointed in them in a myriad of ways that I shan't put into print in this blog. New friends are hard to come by, too, because they know as well as I do that I'll be 'rolling up out of here' (bless those colourful Atlanta expressions!) as soon as I possibly can! So who can blame them?
Last night, I was so overwhelmed ... CONSUMED by worries about money and debts (in the UK and the USA!), that I was unable to sleep. I have no idea when I actually drifted off but I didn't wake up until noon! David (upstairs) must think the worst of me by now.
I try to wake up each day and give myself a little pep talk to 'get through it all' but it's not working. I know I have to be here for a few months. I know that I need to work to pay bills and save money. Hell, I *want* to work! I'm rather bored, truth be told. But ...
What I really want is to return to the UK and get on with my life. No, I think it would be appropriate to use the word 'need' there. Returning to the UK is what I *need*.
If it wasn't for the internet (thank you, David) and my fabulous Titanium PowerBook G4 (thank you, Stephen & UCL), I probably would have just lost it by now and have been put away! At least I have frequent contact with my mates through emails, chat & even voice now (thank you, Skype!) and can listen to UK radio ... which seems to calm my nerves a bit by helping feel a bit less 'disconnected'.
I am ever so grateful to Androo in London, too, for helping me manage things back home while I'm away. Our friendship is strong, genuine and heartfelt ... but also practical! [*giggles*] He & I have developed quite a circle of international favours & exchanges! The little things mean so much because ...
Nothing here in Atlanta is making me happy or helping to make my life fulfilling. At all. I am not sure how to put it into words but it's starting to border on misery. I know I have food & shelter and I'm grateful for that but I'm not going to pretend I'm happy or fulfilled either. I'm not.
Everything about my current 'life' is wrong. It's just wrong. Perhaps it's not eloquent but I can't really think of a better word.
My birthday is just a fortnight away. 32 years old ... and ageing doesn't bother me in the least but I am dreading it somehow ... because I'll be alone and, well, I think I'll be a bit overwhelmed by the sadness & isolation.
Oh, that sounds very unlike me indeed!
Richard
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