WHINGE ALERT: Here she blows ...

Right. Just let me have a go ...

First, let me share the good news. I had a preliminary interview today with Pret á Manger (a UK gourmet café/coffee/eatery chain). It's something ... and I can't really be choosy. I have the secondary/main interview tomorrow at their head office (to run a till! I kid you not). Thanks to Geordie Neil for this because it's the first opportunity I've had to earn any real money! At least the interviewer today mentioned me moving up to corporate rather quickly. I bloody hope so. I cannot imagine doing the café bit for long, to be honest.

Right ... onto all the bad news. Where to begin ?!? Here's a list all my current problems, none of which are 'minor', unfortunately!

(1) I have no money. Nothing more to say really. And I'm not exaggerating ... just a bit of overdraft limit left and about £300 on a credit card.

(2) I am homeless. Well, soon. Stephen wants me out of the flat in two weeks (''the first weekend in March''). No, I don't have any bloody idea what to do or where to go. I really do NOT have an answer yet. You try finding free accommodation in London! No, I do not have a friend with the space or who can afford to put me up for a couple of months ...

(3) I am having incredible difficulty finding a job ... and I've lowered my expectations (see the good news!).

(4) My college course suddenly ended with ONE day's notice! Seems I have seven weeks of holiday time left that I *must* take. No, I'm not done with my coursework and this is all very fucked up. I am not even sure I'm done with my internal exams. Never mind that, if I want to get another student visa, I must take at least one proper outside exam (certification). In my case, I *must* do the FOUNDATIONS exam (an IT thingie) and that costs around £80! And there is no guarantee I would pass. Right now, I can assure you that I would not. So I can look forward to studying as well ... on my own time ... ewwww! Keep in mind I already have one and a half proper BAs from America ... and £20,000+ (almost $40,000 US) college loan debt to show for it!

(5) Given my homelessness, I am not sure what to do with all my personal possessions! I own a bit less than 2000 CDs, among other things. Everything I own is here with me in England. I didn't leave anything in America. I did ask Lindsay ('the nice ex', my boyfriend before Stephen) if I could put most of my things in his loft, as it's the one place I'd feel comfortable that they would be safe ... but his house is in BERKSHIRE! How I'd get it all there is an additional worry.

(6) Gay drama. As much as I hate to admit it, Stephen & I are having problems just getting along in the flat (not that I have any right to be here, I admit). He rather naively thought I'd moved on as instantaneously as he did (four day gap between men). Boy, was he wrong! Believe me, I want to ... but the sound of him and his instant boyfriend fucking LOUDLY was more than I could handle, even a month on. Insensitive? Apparently not in Stephen's eyes. It broke my heart all over again and sent me right over the edge (something I didn't think would ever happen again). Suffice to say that I reacted by running around Archway in my pajamas in the rain SOBBING and frightening all the locals ... followed by confronting him about it. He reacted stone coldly, refused to discuss it and then told me to be out the first weekend in March. Apparently, it's my fault for ever having loved him and being disturbed by it. Maybe it is. Still doesn't make him any less of an insensitive bastard, does it? Days later he seems to finally (and only just now) realise that I actually loved him. I guess for him our relationship was some sort of prolonged sexual learning opportunity. I just want to sort out the drama. I most certainly do NOT want him back (perish the bleedin' thought!). He's committed to talking to me now (finally) when we both have time next week ... for which I am very grateful. I sobbed from the relief of that! I don't want gay drama and I don't want to hate Stephen. I want us to understand each other. I want him to develop an adult, realistic perspective on relationships and a more evolved emotional intelligence (no insult intended).

(7) My visa expires on 30 June 2005. This gets a separate listing from the college troubles because it's a whole different ball of wax! Mind you, if I don't sort out all the things in #4 then I am not likely to get ANY sort of visa ... even if I got married or finally got a proper job with a work visa. I found out today even getting married must be done 90 days before your visa ends. In other words, I need find the right lesbian to marry before the end of March! I am teasing ... but I would do it if I had the right lesbian friend!

So those are my problems. The big seven! Comments?

I am convinced all the gods hate me. ''When it rains it pours.'' That sort of bollocks just doesn't make me feel any better. This is all VERY fucked-up! 'This' being my life ...

And just to take away my last pleasure in life, my beloved OUT in the UK is set to change its name to 'UP & DOING' (gawd, I wish I was kidding!) and is morphing into something more 'mainstream' (because clearly it's wrong/embarrassing/off-putting to be gay and 'out'). There seems to be quite a furore amongst the members about it (mostly about the incredibly stupid name change) but the owner of the site is not hearing any of it. Embarrassingly, thousands of pounds were spent to come up with THAT name! Marketing research was done and a proper consulting firm was hired. Words fail me. I am aghast and disappointed. It will backfire. I have absolutely NO doubt.

My London dream lies in ruin at my feet ...

Richard